Alhamdulillah, it's already 9th of Ramadan, I hope y'all been tight with acts of ibadah to Allah and your Tadarus (Quran Recitation). Let's together ensure that at the end of this Ramadan, we will be able to kick out our bad habits or behaviour that we want to kick and we hope to continue maintaining the pace after Ramadan ends, insyaAllah (^_^)
First of all, I'm reaaalllyyy sorry for the late of entry >.< I know you guys been desperate to look out for more strategies and you want to make sure that you get the most strategy to kick out your worst nightmare, but I'm so sorry...cos 2nd semester is starting and I've been a bit busy lately to keep updating my blog. Again, so sorry and hope this entry today somehow complements the previous entry, which is Part 3. Ok, let's get down to business, shall we? hehe
Previously in Part 3, we have gone through 2 out of 4 steps or strategies to systematically kick out porn from your life. We've gone through... 1. Acknowledge how porn use causes you problems, & 2. Identify what matters most to you. And previously in Part 2, I've mentioned about how ambivalence is a barrier and how motivation can solve ambivalence to get you going in ripping off porn out of your life. So, as for Part III - 2, I'm going to focus on the remaining two strategies, namely....
- FACE YOUR FEARS.
- TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN RECOVERY.
#1 - FACE YOUR FEARS
hehehe.... :P
I would say this is the most important reason that we should acknowledge. Fear. This is usually the cause of the ambivalence and how it put a barrier for the motivation to help you get going. It is something common for porn - users to face whenever they decided to quit. They face fear. I mean, you guys could be wondering, what sort of fear it is? Porn is not a monster... nor it is a ghost, or my discipline teacher that I should be afraid of. I mean, what is it that you are trying to tell us? Well, in making major life changes, and we're talking about giving up something that gives you instant euphoric pleasure, is often initially scary, even though we are all aware of how good it is to change such habit. It's more than just quitting porn, it's about changing your lifestyle, changing your ways of coping with stress, learning how to relate to others more openly and honestly. Porn users with the strongest emotional and sexual attachment to porn, often have the most fear quitting.
Basically, it is not the screaming and yelling kind of fear that we're talking about here. Often, fear in this case are masked by other feelings such as anxiety, depression and agitation, which happens when porn users attempt to quit porn. It is very stressful >.< but you have to hangin' there. What you can do about it is to identify your fear and this should be resolved before it overshadow progressively your motivation to quit porn. The more unconscious fears you have, the more challenging it is to stay on track with your motivation. Some of the ways you can do is to do this checklist to identify your fear because identifying and being able to admit you fears is an important first step in resolving it. I mean, to make it simple, to cure your disease, you need to know whether it is a flu or fever before you can proceed with finding the cure, isn't it? So, here is the checklist...
Common fears of being without Porn
Tick next to each item with which you agree:
___ I'm afraid of becoming depressed.
___ I'm afraid of getting angry and upset.
___ I'm afraid of feeling lonely.
___ I'm afraid of getting stressed out.
___ I'm afraid of losing interest in sex.
___ I'm afraid of having less enjoyment in sex.
___ I'm afraid of feeling sexually frustrated.
___ I'm afraid I'll get involved with even riskier sexual behaviours.
___ I'm afraid I'll have to tell others about my problem and they'll reject me.
___ I'm afraid no one will understand and be able to help me.
___ I'm afraid I will fail if I try to quit.
___ Other
_________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________
I bet you've noticed that the checklist is categorized in a form of emotional well - being, sexual enjoyment and relating to others. (you aware of it right???) Well, porn somehow, able to fulfill the needs in any of these three categories. It provides an escape route when you have any problems relating to your emotions, your sexual life (for the married) and even social problem. Porn, is so 'universal', that it can help solving it instantly. And I know you guys aware that instant stuff comes with some price to be paid in the future. After doing the checklist, just sit down, relax and identify your fear. Does it fall on all three of the categories? Or is it more focused on emotional well - being? So, from here, you should be able to find out your fear. For example, you found out that you're afraid of feeling lonely. So the solution comes by planning some steps to NOT make you feel lonely. Maybe plan your activities, to meet up with friends, maybe when to call your family and so on. Tons of things to think about. I'm pretty sure of it :)
Just so you know, emotional experiences like depression, angry, stressed, agitation and so on is a common feeling that you have for any lost of significant attachment. Any sort attachment. Cigarette, porn, games, lovers (duhh~ -.-') It can be very very intense in the first six months, and the intensity should be going down as you going through your life with commitment to quit porn, insyaAllah. Well, if it gets worse, might as well see a counselor or seek expert's advice. Some people also afraid that quitting porn means giving up some sexual opportunity, when in fact it's not. It's actually you're opening the door to other types of sexual experience which is more intimate with your partner, later on when you get married. May Allah make haste for you guys, amiiinn~ hehe (^o^)v
One of the guys that I met and had this problem said to me, the way he get rid of this is simply to write it down on your diary or life journal where you can have a look at it again and again. You know, just outline, what you're gonna face for the first few months of quitting porn so that you'll be ready for it. Some other people said, saying out loud your fears could help, I mean I dunno, there's no clear cut for it. You can come up with your own creativity to get this thing going. Therefore, one point to take away, it's important to know that, regardless of the nature of your fears...
"...getting them out in the open weakens their influence and helps you stay motivated to quit porn...."
#2 - TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN RECOVERY.
"One day, pornography is not gonna come up to you and say, Look, it's okay if you don't use me anymore. Change has to start from within. It's up to you to make it happen. You have to tell yourself, I'm not gonna have to do this anymore. One day I will change to the point where I won't ever use porn anymore."
This is one of the dialog that I copied directly from the book and it has lots of truth in it. What he is saying is parallel to what Allah says in the Qur'an...
"Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves."
(13 : 11)
Taking responsibility simply means you have to be your coach, you manager, your point guard, your forward, your centre. You have to be everything. Maybe you can have your families and your friends as the supporters. But supporters can only support, they can't replace the foundation. You need to have a strong will to give it a go.
In order to become a winner in this battle with porn, one of the best strategies is to start making a list of successes you achieved in overcoming other challenges in life and looked at how you were able to come up with such unique solution to solve it. Some people prefer to talk with their friends and professionals, others like to do it on their own or they like to try an error of their plans and see which one works the most. Anyhow, simply have a look at your previous successes can help you, no matter how hard the journey goes, you have been successful at facing up to it in the past. You have made it here in one piece. And don't worry, it's all within your capabilities. Allah said...
"Allah burdens not a person beyond his scope"
(2 : 286)
Well, I think that's the end of The Porn Trap series, hehe. Just some advice for you and me, you know, we can go out there and search for the best methods possible. However, if you are not gonna work on it, put an effort into it and spend some time with it, then there's no way you'll be able to stop, unless Allah wills it. But in order for Allah to wills it, you have to work on it. Gather all the resources that you have, and start changing. I'm not saying it's gonna be easy, but it's gonna be a challenge. InsyaAllah, in this month of Ramadan, I make du'a to Allah that whoever suffers from this habit, will be given strength to go on and be able to fight this battle. Amiinnn~ Ramadan Kareem y'all
(^o^)v
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